Why Touch the Sky

The name of my blog comes from the name I gave to the baby that I lost in December of 2017. I found out I was expecting on December 26th and miscarried on the 27th. We figured out I was about 5/6 weeks along and would have been due around August 22nd 2018. We met with my husband's family for Christmas on the 26th and so we thought it would be really neat to wrap up a little box under the tree with the pregnancy tests inside as a way to tell them. I will never forget the elation my mother in law showed opening up the box that day! Later I took the same box to my parents house where my brother and sister in law were also visiting and shared the news with them. I then took the box to my best friend's house and shared the news with her. Everyone was so excited for us but deep in my gut I knew something was off. I was spotting and I hand't done that with my first pregnancy.

The following morning I knew I wasn't going to get to keep this baby. We had plans to see a movie and I stayed home and stayed in bed pretty much all day. I was in SO MUCH pain, physically and emotionally. My husband suggested I take some pain medication, but I had given my son a natural birth un-medicated and I felt I owed this child the same. Not sure why that made me feel "better" about the situation, but for some reason it helped.

I didn't completely pass the baby my first cycle, and I was able to feel bumps etc in my abdomen and the thought of carrying around a (for lack of a better word) dead baby inside me for weeks TORE ME APART. My next cycle was also pretty miserable but I knew then that the baby had completely passed. I never expected to feel some of the things I did, like embarassment for one. I felt so silly having told all these people we're having a baby only to turn around the next day and be like nope we're not. We had no idea what the gender was because I was so early, but I felt God give me the name Sky. And I couldn't go around calling the baby "it" for the rest of my life because she's not an "it". She was a person with a heartbeat and created on purpose by God for a purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "I knew you before I

Formed you in your mother's womb, before you were

born I set you apart."

Psalm 139 13-14 says,

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

This baby was no accident, not an it, not a mistake, not just a little plus sign. God knew her and made her. Recently I've been feeling that as hard as it is maybe God takes babies just to show he is still sovereign, just to show that he is still in control of creation and human life. And if God needed to take my baby to show that I'm ok with that. The miracle of birth is getting so "normal" and scheduled and we're trying to leave God out of the picture, and you can't take the creator of the world out of the picture. I can think of no better way to KNOW God is real than birth. Your body just "magically knows" how to create a whole extra organ to sustain a life. Your body just "magically knows" how to create milk to sustain that life outside the body, even if you choose not to breastfeed your body still makes milk. Ever look at a baby's nose how it's created just so that it doesn't suffocate while sucking. None of it is "magic" it's God's divine creation on purpose for a purpose.

The song Touch the Sky by Hillsong United always was one of my favorites but the one day I had Amazon music in the background and the song came on and the lyrics, "I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground" literally made me fall the ground and sob. Losing this child has made me grieve for sure, but it's also pushed me closer to my creator than I ever thought possible. So this is what my goal of this blog is. Laying down my life for my creator and knowing that I'll meet this baby one day in heaven. <3