Two Blu

It's about time I share this little guy's story. This is bittersweet to write. I wish I could give every mama that has had to go through the loss of a child the story of hope that I have to share. I don't know why I'm still carrying this baby and your babies are gone. It doesn't seem fair. Just know that my heart is for you stillbirth mamas, miscarriage mamas, failed adoption mamas. Mamas who are struggling with infertility or waiting for marriage. Mamas who have lost their children because of divorce or some other situation. I see you all I really do. God's plans are still good. Please never forget that. Please know what I write does not try to make light of all your pain, loss, waiting. I am simply telling my story.

Trying to gain the courage/strength to even consider trying again after a loss was extremely hard. I had to be mentally prepared for going through another loss before I could even consider trying to get pregnant again. But my son was continuing to get older, and we really wanted to have one more chance at him having a sibling. I was getting older myself and knew eventually there was a cap on when I'd want to be rearing children. We just felt this was the year God had for us to add to our family. When we were trying for my son it took almost a year. This baby as soon as we decided we wanted to try I was pregnant the first cycle.

I know the first question will be why did I think I was having a loss. When I loss Sky I had SO MUCH pain and bleeding and that happened with Blu as well. I had a point when I was giving birth to my son and I was on the pitocin and the contractions just kept coming rapid fire no breaks, this pain wasn't quite as terrible but it definitely reminded me of it.

The only healthy pregnancy I knew was my son and it started out pain free. The only loss I knew was extreme pain and bleeding so when I was experiencing that this time that is what I figured was happening. Since I assumed I was having another loss, and my loss of Sky happened extremely fast we went ahead and went forward with the foster care training.

Everything about that training evening was a mess. My in-laws had my son. We thought we had given them a front door key to our house. Unfortunately it turned out the key didn't work so they ended up having to call us at the training and then taking him back to their house which wasn't a big deal just a goofy mis-hap.

I have a history of feeling abandoned as a child and also of childhood sexual abuse. As the training went on I just kept feeling extreme anxiety about the whole situation. There was a break in the lesson and I told my husband through tears we have to leave I can't do this. He was extremely encouraging and asked if we could just complete the rest of the training and my heart started beating like crazy I was sweating and I started sobbing and had to walk out of the room. I've never had a panic attack before in my life but I knew we had to just go and I wasn't in a good enough mental space to continue pursing foster care at that time. I felt God shutting a door.

Let me just say I have a HUGE respect to anyone doing foster care even after only going to two training's. You are angles to those children. I may not be able to foster myself but I sure can and will support anyone doing foster care as much as I can. Financial help, prayer, donating items, running errands, babysitting. All these needs are just the bare minimum a foster parent could use. If you know someone doing foster care reach out. At the first training they talked about how many people abandon friendships with foster care families because no one really understands or wants to work around schedules of children being in and out etc. I vowed right then and there to NOT be that person and to be the best friend I can be to specifically one family we know who's fostering and just foster care in general.

Foster care and or adoption is still very heavy on my husband's heart. I have no idea if I can mentally handle it with my past after I am no longer a mess of pregnancy hormones, but we will just wait and see what God has in store for us.

I went a few more days after that training with extreme pain and bleeding wondering why it was taking so long for this baby to pass. I had to have my thyroid checked to renew my medicine. I knew being pregnant/miscarrying could probably affect my thyroid bloodwork so I told them I was miscarrying at that appointment, they ran my HCG levels and they were consistent with 6 weeks pregnant. After that appointment everything seemed to be a blur of calling my midwife and my family doctor.

My midwife wanted me to come in right away. The amazing lady who delivered my first son was not in office at the time I called so I assumed I'd end up seeing one of the other midwives. When they told me she was going to be able to see me I burst into tears. Someone I was at least comfortable with would be there for me during this hard time.

She got me ready for the ultrasound and we saw a pregnancy sac right away and then a teeny tiny little baby with it's little hand waving at us like hi everyone I'm fine what are we all freaking out about? I saw that little hand waving and knew I had to fight for this baby. I fell in love with this child that very moment and knew no matter what it took I was going to give it every chance at life. Also for the sake of abortions my child had a heartbeat and was moving at 6 weeks gestation. I SAW it on the ultrasound. You take a life if you abort a baby no matter how early or for what reason. That's all I'm saying on the subject.

She wasn't sure why I was having all the pain but gave me a few ways to manage it with some hot rice packs and warm bath etc. I went to get my thyroid bloodwork done and also some bloodwork that she wanted me to do, and I had remembered when I had my first son and we were trying to get pregnant that I had my progesterone levels checked and they were low. I called my doctor and asked them to add a progesterone check to my bloodwork as well. After losing Sky I did some research and found that often low progesterone contributes to early miscarriage.

I got my results I believe it was a Sunday night because all pharmacys were closed (thank you MyChart) and immediately called my midwife because my progesterone was low. My midwife wasn't on call but I talked to another on the team and she was amazing. I was about 9pm so we worked together to find a 24hr pharmacy near me that had progesterone in stock that night and she found one and called it in. I drove sobbing to that Walgreens that was about 20 min away. There was a lady ahead of me in line when I got there and I wanted to scream my baby is dying hurry up!!! I took a dose in the parking lot and thankfully after being on it a few days my bleeding stopped and my pain subsided as well.

As I was driving to Walgreens the song Anchor came on by Skillet and the lyrics "body is weak but I'm trying to make it to shore, but I'm falling short, I need You more" rocked my SOUL. I felt EXACTLY that. That my body was betraying me trying to purge this baby I was fighting so hard to keep. The song goes on to say "Don't let go, I don't wanna do this alone" and I couldn't and still can't God is and was with me every step of the way and I know He'll be with me through the birth as well.

There's little known about progesterone supplements and most would say they don't even work. Some say it's just a placebo effect because once you take them you calm down because you feel that at least you're doing something to try to keep the pregnancy. I don't care how or if they worked. I truly believe I am sitting here almost 24 weeks because of those pills and the grace of God. I feel like that should be checked every pregnancy just like they check your HCG level.

I spent most of February on a strict thyroid med, prenatal vitamins, progesterone, sleep schedule and we hardly went anywhere. I set this myself, no one told me to do it. I just was in crazy over-protective mom mode and was trying to give this baby every chance at life. Every time I'd use the restroom I'd worry because I didn't want to see any more blood. I still mildly worry even at almost 24 weeks. Once you've had a loss it's just something that's hard to shake. I started thanking God for the baby every day. God thank you for allowing me to be pregnant today. I daily gave the baby to Him because I know I'm not in control. I could do all the things, take the meds, get enough water and sleep and in the end He is in control. Little did I know this mentality was preparing me for so much more.

Fast forward to March and we are on lock down for Covid-19 (we chose to "lock down" early because my husband is immune suppressed and technically was too being pregnant). Cue the anxiety again. Being pregnant in a pandemic is something extra special hard. I've said this before but I've often dismissed anxiety as just not having enough faith or something someone could easily control if they just changed their thought patterns a bit. Sometimes there's nothing you can do! I was in my Bible daily, listening to Jesus music, watching sermons... everything I thought would, and in the past did help was doing nothing. I was terrified I would catch it and lose the baby I had been fighting so hard for for two months. I was afraid my husband would catch it and lose him making me a single mom of a baby and a 4 year old. I was afraid my mom would catch it and I'd lose her and she wouldn't get to meet her grand child. Satan attacked me HARD for about two months. I felt guilt that my son had been home most of February, and now we we didn't really have the option of leaving home for two months after that.

I started hearing of how births were being handled at hospitals for Covid and that gave me even more anxiety. I was worried I'd be birthing alone with a mask on! Even though I wasn't even due till September those thoughts terrified me. As it stands currently I can have one support person with me at the Birthing Center thankfully.

I worried about how I would have enough food to feed my son and my husband with a dairy allergy let alone food for me with needing extra for the pregnancy, and eventually extra to support breastfeeding. I went through moments of not wanting the baby at all. Lies swirled in my head of how hard it would be to care for two kids in a crisis, that it would be better if the baby wasn't there. I had to force myself to eat because I thought we would end up needing to fast or not have enough food to go around. I spent many days in child's pose (yoga) on my face sobbing just repeatedly giving this baby and all my fears to God.

I remember going to the store in my pajamas and mask really early one day because that's what I was hearing was the best way to get the hard to find items. I stood there in line for a half hour with my fogged up glasses ironically in the baby supplies aisle just sobbing calling out to God. WHY am I pregnant right now. WHY did we choose to do this in the middle of a crisis. I came home exhausted from that trip because I at that time was sanitizing all the groceries I could.

Thankfully my husband got to start working from home very soon after Covid started. That helped ease my worries a little bit. We also decided (through LOTS of research, prayer, talking with my husband and midwife, and friends that had used it as well for their pregnancies) that since I was through my first trimester that I could stop the progesterone and that was also contributing alot to my anxiety. I was thankfully able to clam down a little.

During this time I found out my brother and his wife are also expecting and our kids will only be two months apart! Then a few days later find out my nephew and his wife are expecting this year as well. God is so cool the timing of all these pregnancies in our family!

I've had several positive baby appointments. Only concerns being I have a small heart murmur that my midwife is not concerned about at all because it's very common in pregnant women. My blood pressure was high as well but after monitoring at home for a month thankfully that is no longer a concern either. I've had two other ultrasounds, one was because I started spotting again so we made sure he was ok then. He was fine, just laying there waving exactly like he was in the first ultrasound. I was in awe how much he had grown in such a short time.

The most recent ultrasound revealed a healthy baby boy! Sadly Daddy and my son were not allowed to come with me because of Covid precautions. It broke my heart because I've had a thyroid ultrasound before and my son was ALL about it I wish he could have seen his brother too. What really makes me sad that I try not to think about is if I do still lose this baby I will be the only one that ever got to see him alive. I saw his little heart beating on that ultrasound. I feel his kicks daily now. Being a mother is amazing, but I pray I'm not the only one that gets to see and feel him.

Up until that point we hadn't told my son anything about the pregnancy. I was (and if I'm honest still am) scared that as soon as we told him I'd lose the baby and then I'd have to some how figure out how to tell my 4 year old his brother was gone. I know some of you reading have sadly had to do that and I have no words other than my heart aches and I'm so beyond sorry. I know we are not out of the water yet. I have friends who have had very late losses even full term losses. So I just continue to daily say God this baby is yours. Thank you for allowing me to be pregnant today.

I look at the sweet little face in this ultrasound photo and it reminds me so much of the day my son was born. This little guy's head is measuring BIG just like his big brothers even! I just want this new little guy here already to start the brotherly bonding. Now I'm moving from fear to struggling with waiting. But again I'm not alone. I have an amazing support system of friends and family and also God.

We told my son by getting him a big brother shirt, reading a special book about babies and announced by eating a blue cupcake! I was such a fun day. If anything all this time has brought out little family so close together. I'm thankful for the time just the 3 of us brought on by Covid. My husband is still working from home, we've spent every day together for the last few months. It's a beautiful piece of time I'll never have again and I'm beyond thankful for it. To hear my son say, "Daddy you're my best friend" because of all the extra time they've spent together, and the strength in our marriage right now I'd not trade this time for anything. I know once the baby comes things will change so I'm cherishing these last 4 months of being a mom of one.

I have no idea what the future holds for us. I plan to just continue to thank God every day for the two special men I already have in my life and the little man growing in my belly and to continue to give up control to the only one who deserves to be in control. Jesus Christ.