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I was going to just post a Facebook status, but it ended up being long, hence the blog.
We have been quarantined by choice since March 9th. My husband is immune suppressed. I am beyond thankful for his job that made sure everyone got to work at home as quickly as they needed to. Realizing that having my entire family home during this time is not the norm and my heart aches for those wishing it was the norm for them.
I was an anxious mess the few days my husband had to still go into work. I've never dealt with anxiety that I couldn't control with just positive thinking and prayer before. I couldn't sleep, I had to force myself to eat. I was short tempered. So that's the first thing I've learned is that anxiety is REAL and that I've been insensitive to it in the past and I apologize if I've ever been insensitive to any of you about it. Sometimes it really can't be fixed by just positive thinking and knowing Jesus is the Lord of your life. It's a daily, sometimes hourly battle.
Do I believe that God is in control, absolutely. Do I know that I am saved and will go to heaven when I die? Absolutely. Do I believe the Bible tells us not to fear hundreds of times throughout the Bible? Absolutely. Do I still fear, daily? Absolutely!
My struggle is how do I practically and tangibly navigate these fears and worries, my biggest one being my husband catching this and dying from it leaving me a single mom. Second one being my mom catching this. Every article I read says "immune suppressed people like those that have diabetes etc" I just want to punch something because it strikes my fear all over again because she has that! I have to lay it at Jesus's feet sometimes hourly. I've fallen "face down" in child's pose sobbing over these two fears time and time again. I don't ever totally feel "better" after falling apart either the fear still lingers in the back of my brain.
Satan preys on us when we are isolated and alone. While I am not completely alone I'm not able to see my friends and family and church family like normal. So Satan gets in my brain and twists the truth. During this time I've realized if I am not in my Bible multiple times a day, replacing those lies with God's truth then I go down a rabbit hole of worry that I don't want to go down.
I know God will never leave me or forsake me. I know He says he clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds of the air and commands us not to worry because it shows little faith. I know that He works for good all things for those who love Him. I know all that stuff I believe all that stuff. My struggle is how do I practically go about getting rid of this haunting fear. I want to be able to control what's going to happen. I want to know the outcome of all this and I just can't. I struggle with what's being too crazy cautious and fearful, and what's being wise and needed to get through this.
I have to REALLY manage my intake of what I'm watching, listening to, reading. Everyone's capacity is different but I know where my boundary is and I have had to REALLY stick to it these last few weeks. I can't be in Covid groups on Facebook, I can't read articles all the time, I'm really glad we don't have the option of watching the news really because I know I definitely couldn't handle that. I read the one email update I get every few days and that's enough to keep me up to date with current events but not get me so worried I uncontrollably sob. I can't watch any emotionally gripping shows right now whether that is intense scary or intense emotional. So I've went back to some of my old favorites on Disney plus. Stuff that makes me laugh from my childhood.
I never thought I'd cry over groceries. I'd been doing Kroger pick up for as long as I can think back, I hadn't been in a grocery store for months! More the convenience and people avoidance more than anything, but when I heard of all the shortages I worried what my pick up order might contain. Then the people that brought out my order, in the midst of chaos I'm sure and people being jerks to them I'm sure. I cranked my Jesus music on my radio and just prayed over the entire store and the workers and all that was going on. They were so kind and smiled while loading up my order. I got home and the majority of what I had needed was there, maybe the wrong brand but it was FOOD who cares. I sobbed in thankfulness over eggs, bread, milk. God thank you for your provision, thank you for the many hands of the workers that shopped for me so I didn't have to go in store, thus hopefully protecting my husband.
The mail lady came and we were playing outside and I realized she's in the category that could get VERY sick from this, yet here she is smiling, chatting with my son, bringing us much needed supplies like it's any other day of the week. She left and I sobbed and prayed for her too and all the postal workers, truckers, that were transporting supplies. I get to stay home while they are out. Doesn't seem fair.
I realized that God doesn't want my devotion just sometimes when things are terrible and scary. He wants my devotion all the time. I need to carry these habits of continuous prayer and Bible reading into my "normal" life after this is over. I need to remember to be thankful for his provision when we have easy access to all the things we not only need but want as well. We are so spoiled in this country and I hope this has taught us all maybe just how much.
My son wanted a ball to play catch with. Kroger had tennis balls so I got those with pick up. What he really was wanting was a kick ball type thing, but they didn't have that. This sounds like a fit of a spoiled child but trust me it was deeper than that. He sobbed, I just wanted a big beautiful ball we could take outside and kick and catch with. And then all the emotions from not being able to see his friends right now came out as well. I just hugged him and cried with him. I just wanted to be able to walk into dang wal-mart and buy him a ball right then and there. But I can't take him with me right now, and I have been avoiding going in store. It was a moment of just pure love and sadness we needed to share. He understands so much more than I give him credit for at 4 years old. We talked about being thankful for the balls mommy was able to find and when "the sickness" is over we'll go into the store and pick a big beautiful ball. We've also talked about being thankful for the food we have and he realized I may not be able to find some of his favorites sometimes because they may be out. His complaining at dinner has gone down. He realizes we need to be thankful that we have food at all even though it may be a different type than we're used to. He also found a new favorite food Ramen noodles haha. He told me I was the best cook ever when I made those.
This is so hard for kids to comprehend. We home school already so that in itself hasn't changed. But HOW we do it has changed. I saw a post on Facebook that said isolation schooling is not home schooling. Exactly! He's used to weekly trips to the library, YMCA, play dates with friends, a weekly day with his grandparents, Awana, soccer. All that came to a screeching halt. So those of you frustrated at the school situation and think homeschoolers either have it easy, or are crazy for doing it, both thoughts are not completely valid because it's not really what home school is like and trust me we're frustrated here too. Just gotta take it day by day. I want to thank specifically the Cincinnati zoo, and the Indy Children's Museum, and Comstock library in Michigan. Those three live streams have given us something to look forward to each day and great educational supplementation for what we are lacking right now. I feel like we get to go to story time, and a couple field trips a day. I also thank Soccer Shots for quickly figuring out a soccer program for in the home. I'm sure that wasn't easy and I'm so thankful we have it, even though I'm really missing the community of outdoor soccer. I'm not one to love technology but I'm sure thankful for it now more than I ever have been.
We have a shared playground right out our back door that he rides his bike by daily that he can't play on right now. He only asked once, I explained it and thankfully he doesn't ask anymore because it makes my heart ache, just stares at it longingly as he rides by it. He's been playing pretend and using his little best friend's names in his pretend play like they're here. One of the nice days every kid on our street was out playing in their yard. We just moved here last fall so we haven't really been able to meet all the neighbors yet. There's a few little boys about my son's age across the street. He watched them play for awhile then looked up at me sadly, but knowingly. "We can't play with them because of the sickness right?" GAH :( Yes buddy unfortunately not right now. But you better believe as soon as we can we're going to go over there and introduce ourselves. The little girls that live next to us and the kids across the street are friends. They pulled their little lawn chairs as close to the curb as they could to yell across the street to one another. We NEED one another. God did not create us for isolation.
I have noticed our neighborhood becoming alive, more friendly. People drive or walk by and they wave and smile every time now. Before it was just everyone being in their hurried state and occasionally you'd get a glance or nod but not a genuine I'm happy to see someone smile. Our neighbor girls wrote jokes all along their sidewalk so as we walked we had like 5 jokes to read. It was wonderful. I pray this sticks. I pray we continue to be neighborly as time goes on. I realized I live next to a lady I am in zumba with at the Y. Had we not all been outside on our porches that day I may not have made that connection! I look forward to getting to know her even more now.
As annoying as it is to be home all the time I'm learning to cherish this time. When will I ever get my husband home for a month or more like this again? We eat most meals together as a family. Modeling prayer and good conversation skills for our son. My heart explodes that my son just randomly says, "Hey mommy I love you" out of the blue because we both say it to him on a daily basis like that. My husband doesn't really enjoy outside but on his "lunch break" he's come out and played with us and taken family walks with us and it's been great times together. My sons prayers have been beautiful lately. Thank you we are healthy and strong, please help all the doctors keep everyone safe, I pray for all my family and friends to be healthy and safe, and thank you for this food.
I'm learning to appreciate the unique strengths my husband and I bring to our marriage and raising our son. I'm the one that loves to do crafts, I do school time, snuggle and read books. I tend to get frustrated quickly and give up and that's when my husband swoops in with his calmness. He's great at talking my son though big emotions and backing me up with discipline too. He's got the sympathy when it comes to owies too. Kid falls down I tell him you're fine get up, daddy is the oh lets look at it can you walk on it, do you need a bandaid guy :). He's the best with imaginative play as well! I keep the home running with clean laundry, full cabinets and fridge, the cleaning. My husband does the lawn work and budget and keeps us in check. Satan tries to take my thankfulness for this teamwork and turn it into fear. How will you do all of this on your own if he gets too sick etc etc. I can choose to play that worry over and over in my head or I can turn it back to God's promises and thankfulness.
I realized I am on my phone ALOT and through this time I've set it down more, at first to avoid too much Covid news that effected my mood, but now it's just to realize what I'm missing by being on it all the time. Usually when my husband would come home from work I'd "check out" for the evening since I'd been with my son all day. Lately we've been having family fun nights of legos, paper airplane races, board games, hide and seek. I realized what I was missing out on by checking out each night while just Daddy played. I want to carry this habit into my life after quarantine. Being more present in the evenings.
I am an introvert and generally would pass on events and things often. The first few weeks of this I was ok being at home it was kind of nice to not have anything on the calendar for once. Now I'd go to an event every day if it meant I could see the people I love and miss. I want to try to carry that into my life after quarantine too. Appreciating people more and taking time to invest in people more, while still giving myself the time to recharge between events lol.
I have found that I NEED the sun in my life. I don't care how cold it's been outside if that sun is out we're outside. Whether that's hats coats mittens or sunglasses and sunscreen. I also noticed that my worries ease a bit when I pour into someone else. Whether that's sending an encouraging card, messaging someone and saying how are you and meaning it, posting something encouraging to Facebook. The more I encourage the more encouraged I become as well.
I'm learning just how much fear controls my life. I've put off so many things because I'm afraid of the outcome, afraid of learning how to do something, afraid of being hurt, afraid of the future. I think that's God's ongoing lesson for me in all this. Give me your fear and let me replace it with faith. Being anxious and fearful is not God's plan for our lives.
I lean into God's truth when I read my Bible. I have been binge watching as many church services as I can on Sundays since they're all live-streamed right now to keep my head in the right place. Music is the way I connect to Christ the most and I've been LOVING all the people and groups jumping on live randomly just for a 30 min worship session. Please keep doing that. Even if there's only 10 people watching or even only 1 person. You're making a difference in one and that's plenty!
Easter is my favorite holiday and it's making my heart ache I can't be in church with my family on Easter Sunday. I plan to still dress nice and watch services and celebrate my Savior with my little family at home. What if God wants us free of distraction this Easter. Free of egg hunts and the Easter Bunny and jumping from gathering to gathering and prepping a big fancy meal. While none of that is bad, this Easter we can focus is solely on the cross. God help us to pay attention to what you want us to learn this Easter because it's gonna be big. I can feel it.
I am still at a loss on how to get through this. I won't pretend I'm ok because I'm not. I am doing a joy challenge, and journaling a daily Bible verse that I share with my mom group. I'm doing a reading through the Bible in a year journal that I sometimes don't do every day. It was my New Year's resolution so I'm still slowly busting it out it will probably become my 2021 resolution too. My son and I butt heads almost daily over school stuff. It is just part of parenting. We take a breather, give hugs and try again. Fear threatens to cripple me daily. I don't know why I feel I need to say all that. Just know you're not alone, and if you're feeling guilty for struggling with all this even though you have faith in God please stop feeling guilty because I'm right there with you. God's not done with any of us yet. We gotta just wake up each morning and say thank you Lord for another day. Please show me how You want to use me today.