A year post miscarriage

This is a bit straightforward, and in no way meaning to offend. Everyone grieves at their own pace, everyone feels differently about some of these things I say and that's OK. This is just a real, honest blog post about the things I've been going through in the past year since I lost Sky. I share in hopes of helping someone, or maybe even allowing someone to grieve who hasn't yet, or to allow someone to know they aren't alone.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. It no longer is. A year ago on December 26th I found out I was pregnant, and then on December 27th I miscarried.

Christmas will never be the same.

I feel like I "healed" relatively quickly, as in I was able to come out of the sadness and heartache and lean on Jesus more than I ever have...

But I will ALWAYS miss my "daughter" (I put daughter in quotes because I wasn't very far along, but I just feel in my heart she was a girl)

One thing I really wish I could do is to tell her about how we found out about her. Because finding out you are pregnant the day after Christmas is such a joyous thing right! I wish I could tell her how awesome it was to wrap up the pregnancy test and put it under the tree to announce to her grandparents. But I can't tell her that because she's gone. I also will never be able to throw away those tests because they are the only real tangible proof of her existence that I have.

I saw a post recently about secondary losses. And I never stopped to think about that until reading that post, but there are SO many secondary losses.

I am done having children. I just can't again. I know many many people have had a miscarriage and gone on to have multiple children. Praise God. Seriously, praise God that he heals, and that he gives life where there was once death.

I can't mentally withstand another pregnancy. I won't ever be able to see another positive and worry for 9 months that my child could die. I also most likely physically can't withstand another pregnancy because of thyroid issues which most likely caused my miscarriage anyway.

I also know that if I had another it would be a very "medical" type birth, as I'd need more doctor appointments, may not be able to use the same birth center I did with my son, and for me it's just too much.

With that decision to not have more, which was VERY thought out and prayed over and talked about over and over again with my husband, this means I will be a mother to an only child, an only home-schooled child. I have to mentally be prepared for all the ridicule that entails.

I feel called to home school, and just because I only have one child does not change that calling in my heart.

It breaks my heart that my son won't have a sibling on this earth, it really does. BUT he has been blessed with 3 cousins all around the same age. I pray that those relationships will be strong and that he finds love there.

It also makes me want to punch people when they ask me how many children I have or if he has any siblings. It always seems to be in doctors offices too. I reply he's an only child and get this vibe of somehow being "less" because I only have one child. Let me tell you something, having children is HARD. I wish people realized all couples go through to get pregnant now a days. Shots, hormones, so many doctor visits to get pregnant, during the pregnancy after the birth. I wish people understood how LUCKY I am to even have ONE child let alone to try for more. It does not come easy to everyone. If you have one child you are not "weird" or a bad parent for not giving your child a sibling. Never let anyone make you feel like less of a person for that.

I will never breast feed again. That literally shatters my heart. I feel SO passionate about breastfeeding and the bond that it has and the nutrition it gives and just all the things. BUT I can, and will walk alongside any breastfeeding mother and help her, and encourage her.

I LOVE baby wearing so much. I wish I could have just one more to wear and wrap, I still wear my almost 3 year old but at some point I won't. BUT I can help teach other moms how to wear, and "borrow" their babies and wrap them up and love on them.

When I really searched my heart about trying to have another the only two reasons I wanted another were to breastfeed and wear again. Those are NOT good reasons to want another baby. Because that's all I wanted, was another baby. I have NO desire to have another human being to potty train, teach, be up with in the middle of the night, deal with sickness, pay for college and a car and just all the things that go into raising a CHILD. Babies are great, but they stay babies for a year, then you have a child. And lets face it toddlers are HARD lol ;)

It sounds like I'm talking myself out of another and it's really not the case. I'm OLD. I fully believe we were meant to have children way younger than 30. I think about all the energy and fun I was filled with when I was nannying in my 20's and I hit 30 and it was like wo! Energy GONE!

I also have come to the realization of just how sadly prevalent miscarriage and still birth are. This year alone 7 good friends of mine have had miscarriage or still births. I know of 10 ladies that have had at least one past miscarriage or stillbirth just in my immediate circle of friends and family. Some have had more kids, some haven't. I can't pretend to know at ALL what it feels like to see your child die, I only felt my child die inside me.

Maybe I would feel differently about everything, no not even maybe. I KNOW I would feel different about everything if I had seen her face. I know friends who got to look in the eyes of their babies that are now with Jesus. That grief is it's own grief and I will never pretend to understand it, nor do I ever want to understand it, because I know how horrible it was to lose a baby I never saw. You ladies that looked into your babies eyes, you are a special kind of strong.

I do however know that we will NEVER "get over it". If you lose a child no matter 5 weeks in the womb or 5 years, 15 years 40 years outside the womb that is STILL your baby and you will miss them every second of every day for the rest of your life. Don't ever let anyone belittle that or make you feel bad for that. I have a Sky sized hole in my heart for the rest of my life that will never get filled by anything. Even the fact that I have my son, or even if we chose to try to have another child that space for Sky in my heart will always be there.

I read something so neat on Facebook the other day, it said that maybe our hearts are filled with holes so that God can shine through us. I know for certain I can only move forward with my life with God's help. I have been so blessed with supportive friends and family as well. I have gotten several extremely meaningful gifts in memory of her with her name on them and beautiful messages, and even a hand written letter of remembrance from friends and family. While that stuff obviously can't replace her it really helps to know I'm not the only one missing her. My dear dear friend who had a loss this year even messaged me to tell me she was praying for me because she knew the one year anniversary of Sky's loss was coming up soon. That one meant the most. I love you Splendid Friend and I will forever remember your Small Fire <3

There are things that I thought would be really hard like baby showers, and holding friend's babies and such that just are blessings rather than heartache for me personally, but I KNOW that things like that are terribly hard for others, so if it's hard for you it is OK. We all heal and grieve differently.

Some days are REALLY hard. Grief sneaks up on you at such odd times and for seemingly goofy reasons. It's a very normal thing to be "ok" one day and sobbing the next. Don't let anyone rush you to heal or to "get over it".

Random things like seeing my niece... how much she LOVES her baby cousin and thinking how much she would have loved my baby. That rips my heart to shreds.

I was watching dancing with the starts juniors and there was a little girl named Sky on there, most people spell it Skye, but this little girl spelled it Sky just like my Sky <3 Every time that little girl danced with her huge smile and big loving, sweet heart I cried, because it was like I was seeing my daughter somehow. I used to be a dancer I'm sure we would have put her in dance <3 Every time she would talk to the judges she'd encourage people to get out and live their dreams and to love their life. I want to imagine that's what my Sky would do too, because she would have had a huge heart like her big brother does!

But I can't get stuck there. If I get stuck in the "what if's" I'll miss out on the right now. We can create an idol out of having children even if having children is commanded by God and is a GOOD thing. If we let it consume our life, either the forcing it to happen on our time table, or the being completely consumed by a loss if we let it keep us stuck in a pit of grief and missing out on what God truly has for us then it can become an idol in our life.

My Sky's life mattered because of her I have been STRETCHED in my faith beyond anything I could have imagined. Because of her God has used me to help other grieving moms, God has used me to show awareness of just how prevalent miscarriage is now a days. Because of her I LOVE her big brother with everything in me and appreciate his life more than I ever have. Because of her I was able to have enough strength and faith that when asked to share my story in a public setting I said yes with absolute certainty.

I will tell you right now if I had a 4 month old currently I would NOT be doing all the Kingdom Work I am in this moment. I feel the loss of Sky every day. But in some ways I'm thankful not to have a 4 month old right now. As terrible as that sounds. If God would have let me keep her I would have loved her just as I love my son, it's not that at all! But the peace I have found in Jesus Christ because of her loss, and the people that God has used me to help because of the strength I found because of her loss I wouldn't change that at all.

And if I had to lose my baby in order for God to push me to the next level in my faith in him then I'm ok with that. If I had to lose my baby simply to be able to say "I KNOW what you're going through" to another grieving mama and that's how God chooses to save that mama, then I'm ok with that.

God says to love him more than anything. More than your family even. That seemed so "mean" of a statement in a way but after losing Sky I understand it more than ever now.

I know where Sky is and I know I'll see her again. She was born into the hands of Jesus Christ who is a way better Father than she could have ever had on this earth. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.